love-hate relationship

i'm tired of being in this love-hate relationship.
awalnya aku sangat percaya diri dengan hubungan jarak jauhnya kita, i guess this relationship was soo worth it to be maintained and fought for. but fo only one month, i even realize that this LDR really killing me so much.
aku ga punya masalah sama sekali dengan kerjaan dia. well, hey, i'm working too. i ever reached home in eleven and the next day i've got myself at office in 6.30. yes, i did that! i even know how the feeling of being under pressure of work. so i never complaint if he got home at 9, yes, pulangnya kamu paling malem itu jam9 sayang, jam9. see? i even know that things.
what i'm talking about is, your time for me. kadang, setelah capek seharian bekerja, all we need is, tempat untuk berbagi cerita tentang apa yang kita alami seharian dikantor. we didn't even do this, really. all we do is, you talking about your job, me as your listener, and never get a chance to tell you mine. after that, yang terjadi adalah, kamu yang menyudahi percakapan karena mau keluar sama temen2, mau maen, you said that you will call me later. and all i can do is, okay :')

kamu tau ga kalo sekarang, aku sedang dilatih jadi orang yang bisa apa aja? yang harus bisa menghandle capem kuningan, like a senior?
yang harus bisa menghandle semua kerjaan dengan lebih banyak resiko? yang harus bisa mengambil keputusan, like a big boss?
everyday, i got this question, "udah siap belum put? udah bisa sampe mana? dua minggu lagi siap?"
ohmeenn, you know that i'm not the person on this. but i'm trying, i'm really trying, and need you to push me through this until i can say 'yes, i'm ready with all of that things boss', with a bright smile of course.

today, when i talk to you about this matters, you said, 'aku orang baru disini, aku masih perlu penyesuaian dengan lingkungan dan teman2, jd tolong ngerti ya'.
and you know what, aku juga orang baru disini, bahkan aku gapunya temen seangkatan disini, aku kerja dengan orang2 yang semuanya diatas umurku, yang uda pengalaman, yang uda punya hal-hal harus mereka urusin sendiri, so i dont have a time to being socialized everywhere like you. aku sudah harus langsung masuk didunia baru itu, yang sebenarnya bukan mauku, tanpa aku bisa protes, tanpa ada yang mau tau apakah aku sudah bersosialisasi atau belum. yah, that happened to me.
and it hurts when you said 'kan kalo ada waktu aku masih ngabarin kamu, pagi pas berangkat kerja, siang pas istirahat, dan pas balik kerja'
oh boooyyy, i dont need all of that, i dont need you being a boy in uniform who always have to reporting what you're doing in every hours. i just need, you and me, us, talk about what we go through of the day, and comforting each other that tomorrow will be better. THAT IS ALL WE NEED.

aku ga marah kalo kamu pergi keluar sama temen-temen and do all the things that people do, but i dont wanna be an option. yang baru kamu kabarin kalo temen-temen kamu itu udah bubar, yang baru mau kamu telpon atau sms kalo kamu ada waktu. bukan kamu aja yang butuh seseorang to lean on, aku juga. tolong pahami itu. sering saat dimana aku pengen telpon kamu after office hours, kamunya bilang, 'mau maen dulu nih sebelum pulang ama anak2', and i just got myself hold my 'pengen-telpon' feelings and said, 'okay, have fun then', and i just get home, laid on my bed, alone.

actually, i miss our silly conversations over the day and night. i dont know if, disana, kamu mungkin udah punya seseorang untuk berbagi, i dont know *and i'm crying like hell thinking about this*, paling ngga, kasih kejelasan aja atas hubungan kita, kalo emang aku sudah tidak dibutuhkan, i'll back off.

there's so much i wanna tell you boy, from the office things, till the istri-tukang-angkot-yg-judes-and-matre things. but i guess, you already not interested with all my stories, do you? :')